Hi, pohtaytohs here! School’s being a bitch right now, so I haven’t been able to get started on update 3.3 yet. Buuuuut I didn’t want to go fucking forever without an update again, so I thought I’d post a little “experiment” that I did a few weeks ago!
Lucy: Hi, um, I don’t usually do this kind of thing, since I’m not really superstitious or anything, but I need your help.
Alice the matchmaker: I see. Well, I’ll see what I can do for you. What’s the problem?
Lucy: You see, it’s my uncle.
Alice the matchmaker: Oh, you mean the red-headed fatso? Ah, yes, I know who you’re talking about. Don’t worry; I have a bulimia serum that will be just perfect---
Lucy: No, no, not Uncle Orenji! I mean my vampire uncle, Uncle Jeff.
Alice the matchmaker: Ohhhh, I see! So you’re wanting my famous vampirism antidote, right?
Lucy: Yes, exactly! He just keeps trying to bite me all the time, and I’m tired of it! I can’t go on wearing garlic cologne until I leave for college! I’m a budding young woman; I need a social life!
Lucy: Goody! <3
Alice the matchmaker: Hold up! No touching until I see cash.
Lucy: What are you, a prostitute?
Alice the matchmaker: … >=[
Lucy: Psst, Uncle Jeff! I need to talk to you!
Count Jeff: Unh, no…it’s still light out. I can feel it. You don’t want me to burn to a crisp, do you?
Lucy: *desperation* But Uncle Jeff, the house is on fire!
Count Jeff: Good. You or one of the other six teenagers can call 911. It’ll give you life experience.
Hey, what are you trying to do, anyway?
Lucy: Well, I was gonna get Uncle Jeff out here so I could turn him back into a human, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen at this point.
Wait, seriously? That sounds fucking hilarious. I’ll help you. XD Just do this. *whisper whisper whisper*
Count Jeff: Okay, I’m up. Now where are the goods? …I mean, uh, my son… so I can scold him and shit. Yep, my son, not the porn.
Lucy: Oh, he ran off to the living room! Let me go get him for you, teehee!
Count Jeff: Hey, what’s this stuff? Poison? Is Renesmee mad at me again?
Lucy: Nope, it’s diet soda! I bought it just for you! You just enjoy the zero-calorie goodness while I’m gone! *snicker*
Are you just gonna leave me here with him?!
Count Jeff: Wow, how sweet of you! This almost makes me want to quit trying to make you part of my vampire clan!
Lucy: Oh, you… *gets the hell out of there*
Count Jeff: Mmm, this is delicious! Tastes like rainbows and unicorns!
Ah, oh well. Too late now, I guess.
Count Jeff: Hey, wait a minute! I think that little bitch just lied to me!
Count Jeff: That was regular soda!
…Sure, that’s exactly what I was gonna say. How awful of her, right?
Count Jeff: Yeah! Oh god, I’m gonna get as fat as Orenji! I can just feel my hotness being sucked away! …Oddly enough, hotness being sucked away kind of feels like burning to death. Weird, huh?
Jeff: Hey, the burning stopped! Maybe everything will be okay!
HOLY SHIT MOTHER OF JESUS RICE CRACKERS
Jeff: What?! Did I get ugly after all?!
Jeff: Oh, thank goodness!
Yup, thank goodness. Thank goodness, Purple Eyes.
Jeff: LOL, they’re red, silly! Talk about being colorblind! I actually did used to have purple eyes, though. But that was before I---
Jeff: Hey, something smells fishy! How did you know my original eye color??
*gulp* No reason, I promise!
Jeff: OMG, did you get a time machine and go back into my past?! ‘Cause that is, like, sooooooo intrusive!!!
What? No. Why would I do a stupid-ass thing like that?
Jeff: Oh. I guess I’m just being para---
Jeff: HEY! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SKIN?! AM I… HUMAN?!?!?!?!
Jeff: How am I supposed to be calm?! How am I supposed to deal with this?!
Look, it’s not that big of a change---
Jeff: How will I survive?! What will I eat?
Jeff: Where will I sleep?
Um, in a bed.
Jeff: But how will I be able to protect my family from the Volturi?! They’re coming soon and when they see that I’m like this they’ll---
Look, I think you’re getting real life mixed up with your Twilight sexplay.
Sunset: Ooh, sexplay? Where??
Jeff: Oh, my dear Sunset! Look at what this shrew has done to me!
Hey! >=[ Why are you blaming this on me? It’s Lucy’s fault!
Sunset: Oh, she devampirized you? How cute! =D
Jeff: This is NOT cute! I’ve lost a part of myself, and you’ve lost your Edward! How could you ever think that’s “cute”?!
Sunset: Oh, honey, I didn’t mean to upset you. Look, I’ll give you a kiss that’ll make everything all better, okay?
Jeff: Ooh, daytime action? SCORE! Maybe being human isn’t so bad after all… *goes in for the kill*
Jeff: Um, sweetie pie? You’re hurting me. *choke*
Sunset: Hold still, baby. This will all be over soon.
Jeff: She sounds like my old inmate in prison… D8
Sunset: Okay, you’re all better! Now let’s go back to bed before we turn to ashes.
Count Jeff: Why didn’t I think of that in the first place? o_o
Because you’re you. =3
AND THEN EVERYTHING WENT BACK TO NORMAL, THE END