A Niji Bonus!

[pohtaytohs]

Hi, pohtaytohs here!  School’s being a bitch right now, so I haven’t been able to get started on update 3.3 yet.  Buuuuut I didn’t want to go fucking forever without an update again, so I thought I’d post a little “experiment” that I did a few weeks ago!
Enjoy!  ;]



Lucy: Hi, um, I don’t usually do this kind of thing, since I’m not really superstitious or anything, but I need your help. 

Alice the matchmaker: I see.  Well, I’ll see what I can do for you.  What’s the problem?

Lucy: You see, it’s my uncle.

Alice the matchmaker: Oh, you mean the red-headed fatso?  Ah, yes, I know who you’re talking about.  Don’t worry; I have a bulimia serum that will be just perfect---

Lucy: No, no, not Uncle Orenji!  I mean my vampire uncle, Uncle Jeff.

Alice the matchmaker: Ohhhh, I see!  So you’re wanting my famous vampirism antidote, right?

Lucy: Yes, exactly!  He just keeps trying to bite me all the time, and I’m tired of it!  I can’t go on wearing garlic cologne until I leave for college!  I’m a budding young woman; I need a social life! 

Alice the matchmaker: Geez, TMI…


Alice the matchmaker: Still, though, you’re in luck!  I just brewed up a whole new batch of the stuff this morning!

Lucy: Goody!  <3

Alice the matchmaker: Hold up!  No touching until I see cash.

Lucy: What are you, a prostitute?

Alice the matchmaker: …  >=[

Lucy: I mean, um, of course, of course!  Here you go!  Keep the change.  Heh heh…  ^_^"

Lucy: Psst, Uncle Jeff!  I need to talk to you!

Count Jeff: Unh, no…it’s still light out.  I can feel it.  You don’t want me to burn to a crisp, do you?

Lucy: *desperation*  But Uncle Jeff, the house is on fire!

Count Jeff: Good.  You or one of the other six teenagers can call 911.  It’ll give you life experience.

Lucy: *sigh*

Hey, what are you trying to do, anyway?

Lucy: Well, I was gonna get Uncle Jeff out here so I could turn him back into a human, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen at this point.

Wait, seriously?  That sounds fucking hilarious.  I’ll help you.  XD  Just do this.  *whisper whisper whisper*

Lucy: Huh.  I guess it’s worth a try.  Hey, Uncle Jeff, Jasper left out his stash of Playboys!

Count Jeff: Okay, I’m up.  Now where are the goods?  …I mean, uh, my son… so I can scold him and shit.  Yep, my son, not the porn.

Lucy: Oh, he ran off to the living room!  Let me go get him for you, teehee!

Wait, what…?

Count Jeff: Hey, what’s this stuff?  Poison?  Is Renesmee mad at me again?

Lucy: Nope, it’s diet soda!  I bought it just for you!  You just enjoy the zero-calorie goodness while I’m gone!  *snicker*

Are you just gonna leave me here with him?!

Count Jeff: Wow, how sweet of you!  This almost makes me want to quit trying to make you part of my vampire clan!

Lucy: Oh, you…  *gets the hell out of there*

Hey, wait!  Take me with you!  What if he gets mad?!

Count Jeff: Mmm, this is delicious!  Tastes like rainbows and unicorns!

Ah, oh well.  Too late now, I guess.

Count Jeff: Well, now that I’ve taken a good long swig of this, let’s see just what’s in here…  *reads nutritional facts*

Count Jeff: Hey, wait a minute!  I think that little bitch just lied to me!

Uh, I can explain---

Count Jeff: That was regular soda!

…Sure, that’s exactly what I was gonna say.  How awful of her, right?

Count Jeff: Yeah!  Oh god, I’m gonna get as fat as Orenji!  I can just feel my hotness being sucked away!  …Oddly enough, hotness being sucked away kind of feels like burning to death.  Weird, huh?

 

Jeff: Hey, the burning stopped!  Maybe everything will be okay!

HOLY SHIT MOTHER OF JESUS RICE CRACKERS

Jeff: What?!  Did I get ugly after all?!

 

NO.  *drool*

Jeff: Oh, thank goodness! 

 

Yup, thank goodness.  Thank goodness, Purple Eyes.

Jeff: LOL, they’re red, silly!  Talk about being colorblind!  I actually did used to have purple eyes, though.  But that was before I---

 

Jeff: Hey, something smells fishy!  How did you know my original eye color??

*gulp*  No reason, I promise!

 

Jeff: OMG, did you get a time machine and go back into my past?!  ‘Cause that is, like, sooooooo intrusive!!!

What?  No.  Why would I do a stupid-ass thing like that?

Jeff: Oh.  I guess I’m just being para---

Jeff: HEY!  WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SKIN?!  AM I… HUMAN?!?!?!?!

Okay, you caught me.  Just calm down and I’ll explain everything.

Jeff: Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod…

Jeff, that’s not being calm.

Jeff: How am I supposed to be calm?!  How am I supposed to deal with this?!

Look, it’s not that big of a change---

 

Jeff: How will I survive?!  What will I eat?

Um, food.

Jeff: Where will I sleep?

Um, in a bed.

Jeff: But how will I be able to protect my family from the Volturi?!  They’re coming soon and when they see that I’m like this they’ll---

Look, I think you’re getting real life mixed up with your Twilight sexplay.

Sunset: Ooh, sexplay?  Where??

 

Jeff: Oh, my dear Sunset!  Look at what this shrew has done to me!

Hey!  >=[  Why are you blaming this on me?  It’s Lucy’s fault!

 

Sunset: Oh, she devampirized you?  How cute!  =D

Jeff: This is NOT cute!  I’ve lost a part of myself, and you’ve lost your Edward!  How could you ever think that’s “cute”?!

Sunset: Oh, honey, I didn’t mean to upset you.  Look, I’ll give you a kiss that’ll make everything all better, okay?

Jeff: Ooh, daytime action?  SCORE!  Maybe being human isn’t so bad after all…  *goes in for the kill*

 

Sunset: *MAUL*

Jeff: Um, sweetie pie?  You’re hurting me.  *choke*

Sunset: Hold still, baby.  This will all be over soon.

Jeff: She sounds like my old inmate in prison… D8

 

Sunset: Okay, you’re all better!  Now let’s go back to bed before we turn to ashes. 

Count Jeff: Why didn’t I think of that in the first place?  o_o 

Because you’re you.  =3

 

AND THEN EVERYTHING WENT BACK TO NORMAL, THE END